Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
