it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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