the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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