Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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