??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
where does the pee come out of this thing
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
