whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
