Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
