I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize