I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
