Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
