I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
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when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
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We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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