new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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