Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
