so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
