K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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