i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
