you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
