I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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