I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I have feelings that need drinking.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
