I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
