He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
