Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
