Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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