im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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