I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize