Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
