I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
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