I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
