I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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