so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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