I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
