Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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