My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
