Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
