If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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