i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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