apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Just pee around me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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