Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
