I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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