somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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