did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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