My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
