Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
