I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
