The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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