i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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