I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
