Betty ford says i'm here all night
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
