When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
