I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
