My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
