You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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