Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
