My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
you didnt know i had herpes?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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