please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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