apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
