Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
