I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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